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There are many benefits to practicing gratitude in daily life. I usually include feeling grateful as a formal practice each morning. This helps gratitude become a stronger habit of my mind. Just as I am beginning to sit in quiet meditation, I take one minute to think of the basic things, people, situations that I am grateful for, sometimes even just the sunlight streaming into the backyard patio. One minute isn’t very long but it is amazing how much gratefulness I can find in that time. Most of the things I am grateful for are exactly the same, and then I add a few extra.
I naturally take a deep breath and instead of holding worries or resentments or the many other negative feelings I can start to dwell on in the morning, no matter how subtly, I come into the present moment. I feel grounded and ready to start meditation and my day. Best of all, I relax into the opening of my heart.
Grateful people are happy people. When we have an open, grateful heart, we more easily see the good around us. What is negative can be seen in a different context: that some good comes from it somewhere, perhaps a learning opportunity, a deepening of wisdom, a new desire to help somewhere, or a stronger level of compassion for those close to you. Being grateful promotes optimism as opposite to depression or pessimism, lessens tension in the body, and lets us see the light at the end of the tunnel when needed. I find myself feeling grateful more easily throughout my day, which is a good thing since the world around me, both immediate and the larger scope of things, offers many instances to feel the opposite.
Being grateful is a great way to come into the present moment very quickly. We realize that the past is gone, the future is yet to be, and what is here is simply ‘now.’ The feeling is expansive – a childlike, wondrous openness exists in our hearts and minds, while an ageless wisdom seems to open our intuitive clarity, creativity, and knowing. It feels good. This is the happiness that resides deep within and does not depend upon external circumstances nor our expectations.
The simplicity of genuine happiness that arises glows from our own internal connection with self and the divine, or whatever word you want to call it. It is with this kind of heart that we can choose and act from a giving place, to our self, our relationships, our community, our world. The healing of self is also the healing of the world.
Relationships of the intimate and sexual kind seem to bring out our hidden craving for a state of perfection like no other situation or relationship. Why? Perhaps it sounds strange, but this started off way back, when we were infants — then our parents or caregivers were everything, the world to us, perfect. We had no awareness of their imperfections. The infant’s thinking is at a very basic level, of course, and engaging in this basic thinking is to provide it with security, holding, satisfaction. An infant needs this to survive and to build a strong internal, emotional foundation. However, this thinking is magical; a wish for things to be perfect, and a corresponding belief that parents and the environment are perfect, always there for us, despite logic, sensation, or evidence to the contrary.
As parents of teenagers know all too well, there comes a time when the child realizes that parents are not perfect, that there is no Santa, that things don’t work the way we want them to. But when it comes to grown-up relationships of the closest kind, the reawakening of a craving for that first state of perfection that we thought we experienced seems to emerge. I suggest, too, that on a spiritual level, our desire for perfection is a sense, deep within us, that there exists perfection in our souls, in our connection with the divine. Perhaps we remember.
In a love/sexual relationship, which can feel perfect, there always comes a time of first disappointment. This is a good time to look at our hope, our dream, our wish, for perferfection. Believing, some of this unconsciously, that we had at last recovered that long ago golden age, upon its loss we can feel anxious and empty. How we respond to those feelings depends on habits we’ve already established for dealing with those emotional states. To consciously and mindfully deal with the situation is to realize that the ideal we had set up about our partner is a fantasy – harsh sounding perhaps, but true.
Once we can accept that, we can relax into a truer satisfaction, one that compels us to let go of control, of expectation, of trying to make perfection happen. The Buddhist word, anatta (no self), refers to these misbeliefs about ourselves and about life, and the need to let go of craving perfection in the outer world. It is then that we also also open to the true nature of our lover and ourself as well. We can get on, then, with the business of truly loving.
Mindfulness is a very good path to loving ourselves in a deeply kind way. Kindness towards self is essential in order to truly accept those you love ‘just as they are.’ When fear, expectation, control, or judgment grip the ego, we fall into suffering, resentment, unhappiness, even depression or rage at the extreme. To change your mindset to a positive one of kindness and compassion, which feels really good to both of you, develop a mindful presence first towards the state you are in, whether positive or negative.
That is called mindful presence, which means acceptance, especially self-acceptance. Notice when you are trying to make someone fit your desires, your specifics, your fantasies, which are the opposite of unconditional love. Just notice without judgment but with the mind of a kindly, but open-eyed, observer. By allowing these to be seen clearly by yourself, you open the door to releasing the negativity around it.
When you say yes to acceptance, you allow for the realities of life and of the other person. Sometimes to take a deep breath and say, “This is so” is helpful, based on the Buddhist idea expressed by the word ‘tathata’ which means ’suchness,’ or that which ’simply is.’ When you can look at the situation, the feeling, the thought, squarely in the ‘energetic’ eye, so to speak, you can then relax in clarity and compassion. It is acceptance of ALL of life, the positive and the negative.
Surrendering to what you cannot change or control is very releasing. You can use the energy of clarity (yes, you will feel more energy) and the usefulness of your particular experience to be helpful on your path in life. It can often be a learning experience. It may be a learning experience that helps others later. Most importantly, this practice helps you live and breathe the loving life and relationship you want.
Why are relationships, especially intimate or erotic relationships, the most challenging in this area? I will be writing about that tomorrow for Intentional Tuesday’s blog. For today, practice mindful acceptance by remembering to say to yourself periodically, as a mindset of acceptance: “I accept the reality of whatever ‘is’ today, and trust that all my experiences are useful on my life path.”
With the influence of the World Cup in Africa on my mind right now, I also offer this African saying as a creative affirmation also, a “Through the Looking Glass” affirmation when in relationship:
‘Those you love are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused.’ ~ African saying
 “Every day, think as you wake up,
today I am fortunate to have woken up,
I am alive, I have a precious human life,
I am not going to waste it,
I am going to use all my energies to develop myself.
To expand my heart out to others,
To achieve enlightenment for
the benefit of all beings,
I am going to have kind
thoughts towards other,
I am not going to get angry,
or think badly about others
I am going to benefit others
as much as I can.”
~ His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama
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When in an intimate relationship, the legacy of our past invariably ’shows up,’ both for good and for bad. To have the healthy, loving relationships we desire, it is very helpful to do our own healing work so we bring our best to our beloved. The work of healing the past is not as mysterious as it may sometime seem. We all, no matter what our past contains, carry issues and ‘wounds’ from growing up. Each of us is born with a wild, tender heart but the natural process of existing in the real world known as earth brings experiences that limit our freedom, hurt our feelings, injure our self-esteem, and lessen our feeling of power. As a result, to a greater or lesser degree, we develop a defended heart. Unless we develop good awareness and do some healing work, we end up finding more disturbances in our love life than we would care to have.
To heal the past, we don’t need to remember it and then fix it, but just learn to be with it, to lean gently into it, like a good yoga move working gently with the muscles, until the experience in mind, body, and emotions starts to shift and open on its own. When we were younger, and sometimes still, we can be victimized, stuck in a bad spot. But now we do not have to do that. Rather, to stay with the hurt self is an act of great courage – a spiritual act. That place will bring us to our own inner beloved, our tender self.
We are courageous warriors when we do this work, and it is extremely respectful of self. This is our experience, and beneath this experience there is beauty in reclaiming our truth. To connect with our own truth brings true self-love. We become powerful, no longer victims. THEN we have much love to give to others. We are rich inside and our heart is full; we share in a bountiful, generous, kind and compassionate way.
This is a path – not an end product of perfection – but the path is real, and it brings a deeper enjoyment of your beloved, no matter who it is – child, friend, pet, or lover – with an open, undefended heart.
What else is there besides making time for joy in your life? Roger Ebert can no longer speak or eat normally because of life-changing health issues. He is tremendously inspiring and offers this:
“I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.”
Thank you, Jamie Ridler, for the question today, “What do you want to make time for?” Many things can bring me joy, but right now a key to my joyfulness quotient in life is art-making and sharing the magic with others. It feels natural, and I hope that what I create will be a gift to others. I also like to share the healing power & spiritual path of art with others (it’s the teacher and counselor in me). Yes, I sometimes need to consciously make time for this because all too easily I can procrastinate until the day is done. Purposeful intention serves me well here. And when I squeeze out those paint tubes, I remember why I brought myself to my own art table – joy : )
What brings you joy and how do you share it with others?
A friend, a woman
not so young anymore,
danced on top of the table
at her birthday celebration
with good friends and tequila.
It was the sudden half moon
visible in mid winter day
that made my sap run.
The rabbit tracks helped too
in the powdered snow
and the firs, dark trunked,
white dusted branches,
their magnetic pulse
stopped me in my tracks
and welcomed me
to the club.
My snowshoeing friend said
let’s split up for awhile
so we can be real
I mean go solo
and enter the cathedral.
And I had thought,
or had forgotten,
that I was already
running with wolves.
You can see how when
the spiral-patterned icicles
hung delicately from
the very tips of the branches
of this Christmas tree.
It was so obvious
how it made a mockery
of the thousands of kilowatt
hours we spend, the rushing,
and the shear amount of time spent
in the pretense of real.
Also stopping to admire
a wood-peckered sculpture
already worthy of the big time
(how did this happen?)
The drilled holes in staccato
against the twisting, graceful stump
starkly set off against its
pristine white pedestal.
But it was the solo trek
snowshoes shushing across
the soft mounds, trees
my only companions and where
I came across the rabbit tracks
that punctured the veil
and let me howl at the moon
and run briefly with the wolves.
~ Barbara
Sometimes there is something lurking below the surface, or out of sight from anyone except you, that holds what is real. What is real can inspire your greatest creativity. It takes courage, equanimity, and being centered to start in on a subject that is uncomfortable or even painful, but true for you. It is also often from those times that springs the unexpected blessing and means of sharing. It is our human connection.
Whatever media or mode of expression you choose, remember a time, recently or distant, that was difficult. Use your favorite media or method to express that. There is great healing in art, for yourself and others.
If you think you don’t have ‘a mode of expression’ then I encourage you to sing (car, shower)) or simply write about it. It’s good to keep a journal where your thoughts can be recorded in words or sketches.
What surprising and beautiful things have come or will come from your pain and find creative expression?
This was a day of some acrylic painting on a mandala and some snowshoeing in the high country, where the fresh powder glistened with small sun-lit diamonds, the fir trees lightly draped with snow, and from a few of their branches hung slender, twisty-patterned icicles. I need more time for my painting today, however . . . one and a half hours wasn’t enough to satisfy my seat-of-the-pants intention for painting each day. So, to put more time to my painting, but really wanting to embody the essence of this poem by Mary Oliver, I share it here:
‘Lilies’ by Mary Oliver
I have been thinking
about living
like the lilies
that blow in the fields.
They rise and fall
in the wedge of the wind,
and have no shelter
from the tongues of the cattle,
and have no closets or cupboards,
and have no legs.
Still I would like to be
as wonderful
as that old idea.
But if I were a lily
I think I would wait all day
for the green face
of the hummingbird
to touch me.
What I mean is,
could I forget myself
even in those feathery fields?
When van Gogh
preached to the poor
of course he wanted to save someone–
most of all himself.
He wasn’t a lily,
and wandering through the bright fields
only gave him more ideas
it would take his life to solve.
I think I will always be lonely
in this world, where the cattle
graze like a black and white river–
where the ravishing lilies
melt, without protest, on their tongues–
where the hummingbird, whenever there is a fuss,
just rises and floats away.
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 barbara[at]artspiritandhealing [dot] com(Email Barbara)
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